Entertainment » Television

"Game" On :: Garden of Bones

by David Foucher
EDGE Publisher
Monday Apr 23, 2012
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Off to Qarth, dragon queen!
Off to Qarth, dragon queen!  

"Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy night." - Bette Davis

Folks, tonight is where "Game of Thrones" gets truly weird. Grab some popcorn and your favorite nip; we’re off to Westeros, where the men are men and the women are men-hating psychopaths who birth wispy satanic ne’er-do-wells on remote islands for unknown purposes... and it ain’t lookin’ good.

We begin with a Shakespearianesque scene in which two sentries chat late in the night, mocking the show’s only gay relationship (such as it is) in clipped British tones, then ripping the result of a clearly fabulous night in the Foley studio with baked beans. Alas, their flatulence is short-lived, as are they, since Robb Stark, self-proclaimed King of the North, has set upon their Lannister camp.

We then are treated to another quite predictable scene when, the following day, a soldier’s foot is amputated on the field of battle. This scene is clearly meant to remind us that a) Robb Stark is alarmingly human, b) war is alarmingly nasty, and c) the wardrobe department is alarmingly short of practical ideas for field nurses (God knows how those actresses turn their heads).

Back in King’s Landing, Tyrion makes a huge mistake - potentially his first. He spares Sansa Stark from becoming the butt of King Geoffrey’s twisted throne room games, and decides that his nephew is probably too bored and orders up a few whores for him.

Now comes the first scene where even your editors here at EDGE blush. It’s not that we’re prudes, but Geoffrey is but a teenager, and what he does with these women is... well, let’s just say it couldn’t happen anywhere but on HBO. It’s depraved, and vicious, and gleefully nasty. But we’re a family publication, and I simply couldn’t disclose what happens; if you’ve not seen the episode, you’re on your own. And it’s not that I don’t want to tell you what’s happening, it’s just that it’s just far too graphic for EDGE; nonetheless, I wouldn’t want you to think there’s something up our asses purely because there’s a royal poker up theirs.

Oops.

There’s a scene or two here about Lord Baelish running to Renly’s camp to cajole and plot things, but while it’s flavorful, I’m sure you’ve missed Daenerys enough to skip right to her next move: Qarth. This is not a long scene, but we love that blond-haired bimbo so much that we want her and her dragons to get off the damn desert and have a bath. They must stink something awful by now.

Meanwhile, Arya, Gendry and the remnants of the Wall-bound gang have been captured by the Lannisters and are being tortured for information, Catelyn is pissed off at Littlefinger for betraying her husband to his death (but still grateful that the weasel toted his remains to her in a metal chest - ew), and Stannis and Renly, despite being brothers, haven’t figured out whose penis is longer, so they’re going to war against each other. I mean, why not? Everyone else is at war with each other.

But back to Daenerys. Outside the walls of Qarth, she’s greeted by a group of men (and one chick) who look like they stepped out of a stage show at the off-White Party. The obese little queen nominated to speak for the 13 merchant governors of Qarth - whose name is "quite long and difficult for foreigners to pronounce" according to him but probably is really "Jim" - knows all about Daenerys and her plight, and demands to see the dragons. Regrettably, HBO isn’t inclined to insert the little CGI beasties into every bloody episode, so the answer is no. Jim pouts a little, then storms back to his locked city.

But this is Daenerys Stormborn, the last living member of the ancient and noble Targaryen dynasty, and she ain’t gonna take no shit from a stunted little bitch in an feathered off-white turban wearing what looks like a bovine testicle on a chain. So she dumps off a bucket of verbal pain on him and his trivial little hamlet in the middle of the desert. Jim stands pat, so Daenerys marches right up to the line of sleeveless muscle boys holding spears (as if they knew what to do with them) and threatens to overrun their city once her dragons are at least slightly larger than house cats.

Fortunately for Daenerys, Cee Lo Green (or some other guy who looks like him and probably has a fabulous singing voice) is on the council and stands up for her. The gates open, Daenerys’ little troupe runs into the city, and behind her, the muscle boys have an orgy.

I made up the last part. But only because Renly isn’t putting out for us this episode.

And now for the critical scene that closes the episode and paves the pernicious little path forward into Season 2. Poor Davos Seaworth is forced by Stannis to take the red she-witch Melisandre to a remote cave on the mainland. There, she... well, she kind of...

Look. It’s not like I dislike slithery, satanic hellfiends born of battlefield lust. I did my time at the West Side Club. But whatever this woman ate at that Bravosi Tex-Mex joint last night is something I’d like to avoid. Because it looks to me like the bun in her oven is a bit overcooked, it’s hungry for trouble...

And it’s dinnertime in Westeros.

Until next time...

David Foucher is the CEO of the EDGE Media Network and Pride Labs LLC, a member of the National Lesbian & Gay Journalist Association, and is accredited with the Online Society of Film Critics. David lives with his husband and daughter in Dedham MA.

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