Entertainment :: Television

"Game" On :: What Is Dead May Never Die

by David Foucher
EDGE Publisher
Sunday Apr 15, 2012
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All Hail The King!
All Hail The King!  

It doesn’t look good for the crows of the Night’s Watch; Craster’s been sleeping with all his daughters and murdering his boys. Evidently, that’s OK with some, but Jon Snow’s not a fan. Of course, he’s a boy; he’s clearly biased about this. Sam is still trying to get into the pants of a Craster chick named Gilly - he’s so hard up he gives her a tiny... thing... that looks like a thimble made out of a horn. He says his mother gave it to him before he left home. Which, were I he, I’d treat as an insult. A sword? Cool. Maybe a wolf skin coat? Yeah, that’ll come in handy.

No, Son, here’s a thimble. No doubt that’ll come in handy at the Wall. You could fling it at the crumpkins and say, "Sew that, you bitches!"

That’s all I’ll say about the Night’s Watch at the moment; if the show holds true to the novel, it doesn’t get interesting until the third novel.

Meanwhile, back at Winterfell, it appears you can only order a canine wake-up call from the Front Desk, since Bran is awakened via direwolf. He then attempts to convince Maester Aemon that he’s a changeling, but Aemon, who still hasn’t seen the last scene of the first season (lazy jerk), insists that there’s no magic left in the world.

With that, we’re off to join Catelyn Stark, who waltzes into the "court" of would-be-King Renly, who really has no battles to fight so his "men" are whipping each other into a frenzy. That excites him, no doubt, because behind the flap of his own tent, the Knight of Flowers is whipping Renly into a frenzy on a nightly basis. But we do get to meet Lady Brienne, who does the first said whipping and isn’t nearly as unsightly as George R. R. Martin wrote her to be; she gets whipped into the personal service of Renly, which makes Mr. Flowery Knight a little jealous.

And so it’s over to House Greyjoy, where Theon is pretty pissed that he accidentally hit on his sister. It becomes clear that they were, in their youths, both fat little boys. As older, bigger, thinner little boys, now they’re to be sent a-conquering.

Think of House Greyjoy as the sewer rats of Westeros; while the five major houses fight to the death over the spiny throne in King’s Landing, Lord Greyjoy intends to raid fishing villages and pillage puny little castles for... whatever one finds in puny little castles. It’s of no matter; the only real consequence involved in this little drama is that Theon is undervalued in his family tree. It doesn’t bode well.

And when a big fan of the book says that, you can be pretty sure the shit is about to roll.

But where’s our favorite imp in all this? In King’s Landing, attempting to tell Shae, his whore, what a good cook she is. Clearly Shae is not a fan of this tired metaphor, or of being a kitchen scullion, because she (off-screen) pushes Tyrion’s head into her breast and won’t let him breathe until he agrees to make her Sansa Stark’s handmaiden instead.

OK, I made up the part about her trying to suffocate Tyrion. But you have to admit: it’s likely.

Back in Renly’s world, it’s time for him to get it on with the Knight of Flowers, which really ought to get the Queen excited. No, not that queen; I’m talking about you, dear reader. Renly is gay (woot), which excites everyone including his wife Margaery (and why shouldn’t it), whose very same Flowery brother is doing her husband in her place. Of course, to her, it’s all about an heir - if Renly were to die without impregnating her, well, it wouldn’t go well. So she offers to have her brother get Renly all excited until the magic moment.

I’d Pay-Per-View to see that.

Tyrion, meanwhile, attempts to sniff out the sneak who’s been telling his nasty sister Cersei all his little secrets. It’s either Grand Maester Pycelle, eunuch Varys, or the wily Littlefinger, and he ferrets out the rat by yakking lies and then dogging the pony show until the goose is cooked (ee eye ee eye oh). It’s Pycelle - and off to the dungeon he goes (translation: Craft Services table).

For those of you wondering what happened to Daenerys this episode, keep wondering. Because our final sequence is with Arya Stark, whose merry band of misfits is set upon by King Geoffrey’s henchmen, still in search of Robert Baratheon’s escapee bastard. Through a happy circumstance, the wrong boy is killed; which means Arya and her bastard Blacksmith are safe.

For now.

Buwahahahahahahaha.

Roll credits. See you next week!

David Foucher is the CEO of the EDGE Media Network and Pride Labs LLC, a member of the National Lesbian & Gay Journalist Association, and is accredited with the Online Society of Film Critics. David lives with his husband and daughter in Dedham MA.

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