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Bunny bits

by David Foucher
EDGE Publisher
Friday Aug 12, 2005
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The Lady Bunny is a few eggs short in her basket - here is the proof!

Terrific special effects in "War of the Worlds!" They’ve actually managed to program Tom Snooze to appear human, even straight! This movie sucks as hard as Tom wishes he could.

Admittedly great effects and art direction can’t mask the rotten script and acting. And such unlikeable characters! When the cute widdle baby girl whispers, after an explosion, "Are we dead yet?", the audience of 10 shouted "I hope so!" Or what about the scene when she wants big daddy Tom to sing her a lullaby but he doesn’t know her first two requests I hollered out "Itís Raining Men!" cuz I bet he knows every word. Can’t take me anywhere.

Obviously, early market research yielded lackluster results and the studio needed some hype to sell this crap. Hence, we have the Katie/Tom relationship. Surprise, surprise! SHE has a big movie out at the same time and is in need of a make-over (yucch! there’s that word again!) to shed her "Dawsonís Creek" wholesome image and switch to full-grown siren. I actually hung out with her a few years ago and she seemed really sweet. She came to Wigstock at the height of "Dawson" popularity and HX mag crucified her for not wanting to pose for pix. So they claimed that she had scarfed down all the performer’s snacks! Doubtful. But they’d be more likely to satisfy her than Tom. They may be in love, but I imagine he’d have more fantasies about another famous Holmes --JOHN!

I used to think Star Jones was so pretty. Fat, but pretty. Bu now that she’s trimmed down considerably I’m forced to realize that it was actually her big wigs and drag make-up that was pretty. I guess she thinks she can pull off a Tyra Banks-style snatched ponytail and a no make-up look on those bug-eyes. And she can pull it off--if she wants to look like a drowned dog!

Is it just me or is Dancing With the Star’s the wrongest show EVER? First of all, I’ve never heard of ANY of those stars and even if I had, who wants to see people doing corny ballroom dancing to songs like C & C Music Factory’s "Everybody Dance Now?"

I’m so jealous of Lindsay Lohan’s dramatic weight loss! The gossip columns are mentioning her frequent trips to the bathroom and hinting that she’s on the cocaine diet. And I’m not saying that she is or she isn’t, but she has changed her name to Lindsay Lohan Aviance.

How the hell is this "Christian" nation, which is supposed to be overrun with born-again right-wingers who even balk over a gay day at Disney, not questioning the morality of new TV show "Kept," in which Jerry Hall auditions gigolos to fill the stretched-out you-know-twat that Mick Jagger and his legendary piece left behind?

Anyone catch the yahoo headline "Johnny Depp’s Chocolate Factory has Tasty Opening"? I haven’t yet seen "Charlie and The Chocolate Factory," though I do have R. Kelly’s album "Chocolate Factory" and I’ve seen his "lemonade factory" golden showers sex video online and it truly pees! All over an underage girl! Anyhoo, am I on drugs?--don’t answer that--or does Johnny look like Faye Dunaway in that bob wig? Someone in Michael Jackson’s camp has accused Depp of basing his character on the "Queen of Pop." Well, sure, there are some similarities. In the film Depp takes kids on an amusement park joyride, shows them magical wonders, jerks them around a little bit and gives them lotsa candy. And Jackson also lives in an amusement park, but he shows the kids pornography, jerks them OFF a little bit, and gives them lotsa "Jesus juice." Michael Jackson, impoverished by legal fees and surgery bills has announced that he’ll begin touring again--on a double bill with the Vienna Boy’s Choir! In the big finale, it’s rumored that they’ll join him in a striptease version of his 1982 hit "PYT (Pretty Young Thing)."

And yes, the rumors about Alexis Arquette are true. He is living as a woman and plans on having a sex change. Just what the Arquette family needs: another aging, out-of-work actress! Jenna and Barbara Bush showed up at McSorley’s, an always-packed pub in NYC’s East Village. They marched up to the front of the long line but were rebuffed by the doorman, who didn’t care whose daughters they were. So their secret serviceman asked how long the wait would be and the obviously democratic doorman told him "Oh, about four more years!" Snap!

For more of Lady Bunny’s hare-brained ramblings and performance clips, please visit her dazzling new site, www.ladybunny.net.

David Foucher is the CEO of the EDGE Media Network and Pride Labs LLC, a member of the National Lesbian & Gay Journalist Association, and is accredited with the Online Society of Film Critics. David lives with his husband and daughter in Dedham MA.

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