Holiday Wishes: Jodie Foster, Britney Spears, Wentworth Miller and More
Tis the season to give, and so, in the spirit of Christmas, a wish list, for all the many celebrities who have touched our lives - and our funny bones - over the course of the year. May these outspoken, daring, troubled (sometimes downright messy) celebs find what they’re looking for in 2008 - and may this guide deliver the gifts Santa might have trouble fitting down a chimney.
If someone’s listening, please give Jodie Foster my thanks - you can give her other gifts too, but my thanks first and foremost. Why? Because while the rest of gay America sits around with little Jodie Voodoo dolls prodding her to come out, I think the strides Jodie made this year with her relationship with the press on the subject of her personal life were impressive to say the least. So she may never stand up during a political campaign and scream ’I’m gay’ to a crowd of thousands. Neither will I - not that anyone would care if I did. No, as far as I’m concerned, writing checks to gay causes, giving her time to gay charities and thanking her partner for being with her in good times and bad is more support than most give. Raise a glass to Jodie this holiday season.
On a different token, maybe someone can bless Queen Latifah with a bike shop in West Hollywood. Hair slicked back, Jeanette Jenkins can work for minimum wage as her rack girl, deck the place out with wall to wall Harleys.
It’ll be great. And Lala can go about business as usual claiming she’s not gay (or ’there ain’t gonna be no wedding’, as she prefers to say) and, in return, the lesbian community will have their own Ricky Martin - so dykey it hurts, but still safely closeted to those without eyesight or any sense of the world.
Oh the subject of Ricky Martin, I’d like to suggest a new speedo for the holiday season - something with tinsel and holly - but something tells me he already has two (as gays shop for pairs). No, I think Ricky needs a weekend in PTown, no cameras invited. Seriously, every time I see Ricky, it seems to me like he’s just itching to bust out of his shell. So lets give him the opportunity.
Pack the Crown & Anchor to the brim with half naked men, give him a pint of Tequila and have the DJ remix of "She Bangs" spinning. Ten minutes til Ricky’s shoving a $50 down some guy named Tiger’s trunks!
Clay Aiken doesn’t strike me as that daring. No, with Clay, I think we need to be a bit more subtle. Heck, even Manhunt.com proved to be a bit too forward thinking for him. Perhaps a subscription to Match.com or the Gay Christian Network is a better fit.
Clay can talk to fellow God fearing gays about sex, sin and subtlety - i.e. don’t go selling him out to Regis and Kelly, cuz you know Ripa’s itching for an angle to strike back. Perhaps this holiday, Clay can roast his chestnuts by an open fire - with a struggling to come to terms with his sexuality leather daddy.
Moving out of gay territory, whatever will we get the girl who had (and by some reports, lost) everything. Lindsay Lohan is sober, seems happy and, now that she’s reunited with her pops, in the family way.
I wouldn’t suggest a car - that’s just tempting fate. Perhaps a weekend in Vegas is too much, too soon. But maybe, just maybe, a monogrammed Bible with a diaphragm tucked safely inside would do the trick. It can remind her that God approves of safe sex and if she doesn’t want to wind up the next Britney Spears, she’ll keep kids on the back burner for the time being.
Speaking of Britney - oh, Britney, Britney, Britney. I’d say go back in time and get the girl a clue, a psychiatrist and some meds for her post-partum depression, but it’s too little, too late - plus Tom Cruise would have my head. Is it too mean to suggest a fresh start - let Kevin take this kids and disappear for a while? No, what I think Britney needs for Christmas is a college education, because the only way someone gets so far gone as her is stupidity. Study world religion, history, marketing (your once taut abs should ace that course) - just get a brain.
And while you’re at it, let Jaime Lynn telecommute from home. Do they give GED’s to pregnant sophomores?
And finally, my favorite Xmas gift for last - to Wentworth Miller, please give him my number. I’m well aware he isn’t out and suggesting he’s gay could get me sued - and in all fairness, I have no proof of my own. I’m just saying the man is hot, smart and a damn fine actor and I would consider it a great honor to spend the next 10, 20 years(whatever you’ll have me serve) devoted to his service. He’s just that fine a man!
Until next year - happy holidays. Here’s hoping the celebs we’ve spoken of get what they deserve... I mean that!